I Hate Haircuts

There's been so much talk about "haircuts" lately.

Wall Street is good when it comes to descriptive terms that may or may not describe anything. We've had quantitative easing (1 and 2), risk on/risk off, kicking the can down the road, dead cat bounce, rip your face off rally and now haircuts.

As best as I can figure, in financial terms, the extent of a "haircut" refers to how much give back is necessary to achieve something resembling financial solvency.

As opposed to the real world of hair cutting where there is no cost differential based on the amount of hair shorn, it appears that the extent of the haircut elicits fevered opinions as the perceived costs are culturally unsettling.

Greeks, apparently are a hairy bunch. Thank goodness Armenia isn't a member of the EU.

As soon as talk centers on the possibility of Greece perhaps needing to take a bigger haircut than initially thought, there's more rioting on the streets of Athens.

Retiring at age 27 instead of 25 makes some people very angry. Angry enough to toss Molotov cocktails made from the strange green antiseptic liquid that cleans the instruments of haircutting.

Haircuts do that sort of thing to people.You know how irrational people can be when they get a haircut that doesn't suit them or that doesn't satisfy their preconceived notions.

With the remnants of my Jew-Fro, I still aspire to look like Jennifer Ansiton after each haircut, but am serially disappointed.

Speaking of haircuts and serial disappointments, look at poor Jon Corzine, CEO of MF Global.

On Tuesday, MF Global had the fine distinction of losing even more, on a percentage basis, than even Netflix.

Did I mention that Jon Corzine was follicularly challenged?

First he was forced out as CEO of Goldman Sachs, then he leaves after a single term as New Jersey Senator, to use his hands on organizational skills to lead New Jersey during the beginning of the area's financial meltdown.

Depending on your perspective, Corzine either gets a demerit for bad timing or a slap on the back of the head.

For bad timing.

Did I so neglect to mention that New Jersey was perhaps every bit as much dependent on the health of Wall Street as is Wall Street? The state didn't fare terribly well during the Corzine administration as Wall Street melted down.

If you want to talk about where Main Street meets Wall Street, look no further than the newly rehabilitated cities of New Jersey.

Of course, there's always the embarrassing evening when Corzine was at the Islamic Society of Central Jersey and was mistakenly characterized as being Jewish.

That's not going to help your election chances, at least not among the Central Jersey electorate. It doesn't matter how often you deny it. His problem was that he didn't vehemently deny it. He should have had his publicist add an "h" to "Jon".

That he was voted out in favor of Chris Christie, who is fully maned and obviously not Jewish, is just coincidental. But you don't find very many Jews that use the name of the Savior as both their first and last names

After trying his hand at politics, it was back to Wall Street for Jon Corzine.

For a guy that doesn't have much on top, he took another huge haircut on Wednesday, as shares of MF Global, with many financial interests in Europe just got hammered again.

I feel badly for Jon Corzine, although the worst may be yet to come.

That is, if Dick Bove, who is not one of my favorites, is correct in the suggestion that Goldman Sachs is a possible buyer of MF Global.(See: I Never Liked Dick Bove)

In that case, Corzine may request a cut starting at the neck.

In the wake of Netflix and now Amazon, I've gotten a haircut well beyond what I had asked for.

You can't even begin to tell that there's a Jew Fro in there somewhere.

I hate haircuts of all kinds.

When I first moved to the Maryland area, I had to find a replacement for the Faleri Brothers, the two raging anti-semitic haircutter brothers, with horrid gingivitis and a penchant for overly small Qiana shirts. To their credit, they did an admirable job with my difficult to maintain mane.

One thing that I learned during that period was that when one makes distasteful comments and has a sharp instrument in their hands, disagreeing is really a question of proper timing.

It had taken me years to get used to them, although I'm not certain why that was the case.

After my first haircut in my new home at one of those mall franchise places, I was asked by the "stylist" how I liked the haircut.

I always say that I liked it, despite the fact that I could never see what  was looking at without my glasses being placed back on.

Upon telling her that it did, in fact, like the haircut, she then proceeded to ask me if I would be willing to sponsor her brother so that he might emigrate from Hait to the United States.

That seemed like a reasonable reuest, so upon thinking about it for a brief nano-second, instead, I gave her an extra 5% in the tip and never returned.

For the next 15 years I just continued being ill at ease having my hair cut and being handled by people with very sharp instruments near the organ  of mine that I treasured the most.

No. I don't get Brazilians.

I rarely would go, only doing so when Sugar Momma would threaten not to go out with me in public until I made myself presentable.

About 6 months ago, by special request, Sugar Momma gave me a haircut. She had never done so before, but I had it with trying to make small talk, reading totally uninteresting magazines and constantly being peddled all kinds of hair products.

Long story short? Best decision of my life. In return, I vowed to trim my beard on a regular basis.

No conversation. No tipping. All I need to do is sweep up the curls and sleep with the girls.

Now, Sugar Momma refuses to be seen in public with me because of the tee shirts I choose to wear. They're not even made of Qiana, but they tend to be Malt liquor centric, as hand me downs from my son, whose friend's father owned a liquor store.She doesn't think it appropriate that I be seen in public with such attire.

What can I say? It's all a work in progress.

As the trading week itself was progressing to the mid-point, Iwas adjusting my selt belt for Green Mountain Coffee Roaster's earnings announcement in anticipation of yet another haircut. Instead, word came that the announcement wouldn't come today, as planned.

Given the warnings this week from David Einhorn and others, that can't be good news.

At the very least Netflix showed a bit of a bounce after Whitney Tilson, the oft wrong Netflix short of past, announced that he was now buying Netflix shares. That sent shares up by about 4%.

4 down and 30 to go, but you still can't even see a 5 o'clock shadow on my skull.

The one thing that was really reinforced for me after these few days of overly speculative play is that I really don't like getting my hair cut.

I don't mind a little trim, as long as my new growth exceeds the removal.

Someday, and that day will come, maybe for Jon Corzine, as well, that I'll be able to look into the mirror and see the perfectly layered shag so wonderfully worn by Jennifer.

But until then, despite Sugar Momma making the whole process a little more tolerable, haircuts will remain well down my list of favorite things, along with Netflix, Amazon, Green Mountain and any Wall Street words du jour.

But unlike Jon Corzine, I know that when I get clipped, literally or figuratively, it's coming back.

So no matter how bad the cut, I just take the glasses off and it looks great.

Netflix will be just fine and so will Amazon. Once they come back, or I make up the difference between buy and sell price with options premiums, they'll be gone.

If it doesn't work out that way for Jon Corzine, I'd like to be among the first to invite him to me in my personal Hair Club for Men, where no one cares what length of hair you have, the length of your beard or what tee shirts you sport.

Things can only get better.

 

Option to Profit is available as either an eBook or 300+ page paperback. Take a humorous look at a serious topic and learn how to make your portfolio finally go to work for you in bull and bear market environments.

More about the book and purchase options. Scroll down and read the Szelhamos Rules blog, updated every weekday.

Find  OTP Book at Amazon, B&N or now you can also Order direct  from publisher. See a sneak preview of Chapter 1. hoco blogs

Want to instantly download PDF file with full color charts and tables?

 

 

  

Invest like TheAcsMan

Option to Profit is available as either an eBook or 300+ paperback. Take a humorous look at a serious topic and learn how to make your portfolio finally go to work for you in bull and bear market environments.

See a sneak preview of Chapter 1.  hoco blogs

More about the book and purchase options. Scroll down and read the Szelhamos Rules blog, updated every weekday.

Find  OTP Book at Amazon, B&N or now you can also Order direct  from publisher. Use 10% Discount Code P4S2ZD8H

 

  

Give up your Dreams, Now

One of the problems with getting older is that you don't dream quite as frequently , vividly or with as much imagination.

Maybe you just don't have the same ability to recall, but something is different. There's a strong correlation between erosion of dreams and ear hair.

I happen to have been trained and educated as a Pediatric Dentist, but I rarely think about teeth during the course of the day. I certainly don't dream about teeth or even hygienists, who were often the punchline of a Woody Allen joke.

I'm certain that some people may have dreams, more appropriately, nightmares about me or my ilk. Maybe even about Woody Allen.

There's no accounting for the excess baggage that some people carry with themselves throughout life.

In what I can only describe as a nightmare, I awoke a bit earlier this morning than usual with a dream freshly painted in my mind.

For some reason, I was actually a Dentist in the dream. I even was wearing one of those short white coats that I never wore in real life. But there I was, left with the responsibility of explaining to someone why they had cavities, but I wasn't allowed to draw any cause and effect between their horrid diet or lack of anything resembling hygiene and their acquisition of cavities.

I think it was for reasons of national security and the information was on a "need to know basis" only.

Hard as I tried to rationalize a need to disclose the true cause and effect for the odontogenic malady, I just couldn't connect the dots.

I like cause and effect.

It explains a lot.

Yesterday, I proudly laid out for Sugar Momma my theory on why dogs, our dachshund Laszlo, specifically, bark at joggers, cars and delivery guys.

Getting into a dog's mind, it occured to me that being somewhat protective of his terrritory, Laszlo's second instinct is to bark. But that instinct gets repeatedly reinforced as the jogger always keeps on running and the delivery guys never stop and stay for a spot of tea.

In Lazlo's mind, those intruders weren't going about their usual activity, they were chased away by his barking.

So, I don't even like suspending basic laws of cause and effect for my own dreams.

Cause and effect was probably a good way to describe my waking nightmares through Tuesday's trading and the afterhours.

No doubt, the cause of Netflix's 35% trading fall was due to the poorly conceived strategy to send DVD renters off into the sunset. Although that strategy makes more sense, than say, The Gap splitting itself into a streaming jeans business and a mail order jeans business, the market didn't like the fact that the normal attrition of subscribers wasn't replaced by new subscribers.

The fact that there's no really good alternative to Netflix for those that chose to leave really points at the serious nature of their corporate miscalculation.

Did I mention that my Doppleganger bought Netflix shares yesterday? I'm not certain which of us bought more shares today, but depending on the outcome of those shares, I still reserve the right to blame "evil me."

The same evil me bought Amazon and Green Mountain Coffee Roasters yesterday, as well.

In what can only be described as a bad case of "deja vous," Amazon released earnings that exceeded expectations.

Normally that's a good thing, unless it's in the wrong direction.

Can you guess the direction?

Green Mountain is on deck for tomorrow and there's no shortage of reasons to expect disappointing results, so I'm expecting a climb upward.

In yesterday's blog, I pointed my finger and placed all blame for making these very uncharacteristic trades on some evil Doppleganger.

But in reality, let's face. I may be in denial and not really want to take the responsibility for breaking some of my own fundamental rules, but the trades were based on something.

No doubt they were based on some sort of dream.

Not the kind that necessarily required deep slumber, but more the kind borne out of wishful thinking. The dream that you would catch an earning's report just in the right direction and make a quick hit.

My dreams used to be about hitting home runs, now they're not.

Obviously, neither of those dreams are likely to happen.

But the actions that I took just made certain that today turned out to be another dream turned into a nightmare.

But Netflix, as culturally key as it is, just isn't enough to move the markets.

Texas Instruments, which also reported disappointing numbers on Monday used to be able to move markets. But no more.

So I can't really blame the Doppleganger and I can't blame Reed Hastings or Jeff Bezos for the rest of today's nightmares.

Silver and Sallie Mae both did their best Freddy Krueggers and I can't begin to see their association with streaming or peddling online.

Silver skyrocketted, so my ProShares UltraShort Silver ETF's did the opposite, although I was lucky to sell some calls near today's high.

But then there's the Sallie Mae debacle. There's some rumor about a consolidation of college lenders out there. That was the same rumor that circulated about 3 years ago, as being on the Obama Administration hit list.

In those 3 years, I've done reallly well with Sallie Mae and selling its calls. Those days may be coming to an end, but even that has a sense of "deja vous" about it.

If Sallie Mae stays in the $12 range I may join some of the Occupy Wall Street protestors to complain about how worthless all of the education I have is, in the face of my relatively high cost basis on shares of the stock that many borrowers love to hate.

Today's market as a whole seemed to be surprised that the rumor of a meeting between EU Finance Ministers to talk about a plan, wasn't going to happen on Wednesday.

That's what its all come down to.

Rumors are a little like dreams. They don't necessarily have a basis in reality, but they can become their own reality, shaping our actions and creating expanded borders for our fears.

At some point, it might be nice if the rumors would become as rare as the dreams.

I'm perfectly willing to give up dreams of teeth, hygienists and even cotton candy unicorns if it meant that I wouldn't succumb to the unrealistic dreams of waking life and the man made dreams fired by rumors.

To the Doppleganger out there that has made the past two days somewhat hellish, I have the inner strength to admit that you don't exist.

I alone am responsible for falling prey to my unrealistic dreams, but I dream of the day that will no longer happen.

 

 

Option to Profit is available as either an eBook or 300+ page paperback. Take a humorous look at a serious topic and learn how to make your portfolio finally go to work for you in bull and bear market environments.

More about the book and purchase options. Scroll down and read the Szelhamos Rules blog, updated every weekday.

Find  OTP Book at Amazon, B&N or now you can also Order direct  from publisher. See a sneak preview of Chapter 1. hoco blogs

Want to instantly download PDF file with full color charts and tables?

 

 

  

Invest like TheAcsMan

Option to Profit is available as either an eBook or 300+ paperback. Take a humorous look at a serious topic and learn how to make your portfolio finally go to work for you in bull and bear market environments.

See a sneak preview of Chapter 1.  hoco blogs

More about the book and purchase options. Scroll down and read the Szelhamos Rules blog, updated every weekday.

Find  OTP Book at Amazon, B&N or now you can also Order direct  from publisher. Use 10% Discount Code P4S2ZD8H

 

  

What the Hell?

Did you ever have one of those days where you weren't quite certain what they did with the real you?

Why would unknowns just barge in and take you away? Even worse, what if they put an evil doppleganger in your place, sent to undo all of what you had done?

Sometimes that can be a good thing, but lately I've been pretty good.

As we started a new option cycle I had a chance to reflect on the past month.

Based on the by-laws, I have to reflect, even though I am by every stretch of the imagination a very shallow individual.

The stockade on the front lawn is a visual reminder of what happens when performance isn't up to standards, so sometimes I'm forced to do some "window dressing" before the end of each options cycle.

But not this time.

Before presenting the findings to the Board, I had a moment of solitude and surveyed the process and how the previous month faithfully reflected the strategies that I had cobbled together over the years.

It's always a good feeling when you beat the averages, especially when the numbers aren't very good. Certainly the last cycle was a Jeckyl and Hyde kind of month.

As I finally began the presentation, Sugar Momma, who is a Board member, asked if I had done anything illegal. I suppose that was her way lof expressing how impressed she was with the guidance that I was offering.

I always insist on holding the monthly Board meetings with lights turned off so that she can't read my facial expressions that might in some way belie the truth.

I looked at her, or at least in the direction that I knew she would be, wondering where in the world she would ever think to have asked that question.

So I asked.

Apparently she does pay some attention to the business news and knew about the Rajaratnam insider trading case, but she clearly never read my opinion on that travesty of justice. Why in the world she would think that those circles would travel down to me, to be in the presence of my La-Z-Boy escapes me, but I think she was being serious.

I reassured her that no insiders were harmed in the generation of the previous month's profits and submitted to my nightly polygraph with more confidence than is typically the case.

But still, just because I believe that insider trading shouldn't be a crime, doesn't mean that I would choose to ignore the fact that imprisonment or such things is very real.

So the nice performance of the past month, complemented by very nice options premiums was all above board.

The only problem was that thanks to the unexpected and unwarranted rally this past Friday, I was now faced with replacing about 60% of my portfolio.

Looking at the Asian market performance before calling it a night on Sunday, I was expecting the possibility of a strong open on Monday.

On those Mondays that I'm in a position to refurbish the portfolio I don't like up Mondays. I prefer manic selling Mondays and the likelihood of repurchasing some of my beloved babies that were taken from me in that nasty assignment process..

So I was pretty happy when I saw the US pre-open numbers, but that happiness didn't last, because the market just focused on yet another promise of a promise overseas and capitalized on the lack of news.

Another triple digit gain.

When the real me was taken away and who was behind my abduction are still mysteries to me.

As I looked at the newly reconfigured portfolio after the close of Monday's trading, I'm not certain who was calling the shots. It clearly couldn't have been me

First of all, there's still much left to be spent.

That's just not like me.

Despite the fact that I know it's a great idea to keep cash at hand to capitalize on an unexpected bargain, I rarely have the discipline to do that.

Put the money in my virtual pocket and its like every day is hookers and blow.

But somehow, by the end of the day, I still had about 40% of what I started with still staring at me.

So maybe some sense of rationality overwhelmed me and I did the right thing.

But then there's that other thing.

Looking over the list of shares, the long time holdings had some new neighbors.

I tend to stay within a tight universe of stocks, not bringing new ones in very often. These days, I've become even more restrictive, trying to limit new purchases on;y to those stocks that hav eweekly options available for trading.

As far as the news one went, I'd actually owned two of them before, but three really stood out, as they were all reporting earnings this week.

I don't usually play with earnings. Stocks will go in any direction you can imagine after earnings announcement.

Granted, that doesn't take much of an imagination, as up, down and sideways are basically the only possibilities.

But even worse, I was looking at new neighbors that have a bit of controversy surrounding their names.

I hate controversy.

Remember that very first episode of "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" when Lou Grant tells Mary "You have spunk....I hate spunk."

But whoever it was that took my place today could care less about the rules of the road.

I understood why I repurchased shares of the ProShares UltraShort Silver ETF. I was able to get them below where they had been exercised. a 1)% monthly pemium for the near the money strike has been a good strategy with those shares over the past few months.

I even understood why I bought back my Mosaic shares at prices higher than where assigned.

What I don't understand is how Green Mountain Coffee Roasters. Amazon and Netflix made it in and through the gates.

As Netflix reported after the bell and lost about $30, the $8 weekly options premium didn't seem like such a great deal in hindsight.

Listening to the universal blasting of the company just strengthens my resolve to find out whatever happened to me.

Having the next day's expected action around your stock holding described as ugly and messy is a bit un-nerving

Years ago, when I was on the precipice of making a career change, I had to ask someone who certainly knew what a mid-life crisis was all about, whether he thought that I was going through one.

Sometimes you do things and are not quite certain of the reaons behind your actions.

He had a simple set of two questions.

"DId you, or are you thinking of getting a new car; and did you are are you thinking of cheating on your wife?"

In hindsight, the answer to at least one of those questions turned out to be "Yes", but I can't really recall which one.

But I cqan't look to such a simple excuse as "mid-life crisis" to explain today's actions.

Once the market opens, I'll be regretting the Netflix purchase, but unless Apple pulls some amazing streaming delivery system out of its corporate butt as we await the specter of an Apple TV, Netflix may have had a strategic mis-step, but it's not dead.

Yet.

In the meantime, I still have quite a bit more that needs to be put to work and am hoping that the real me shows up the next few days, although we'll see how Sugar Momma responds to the new me.

I just love it when she uses some of those advanced interrogational techniques.

What the hell?

Option to Profit is available as either an eBook or 300+ page paperback. Take a humorous look at a serious topic and learn how to make your portfolio finally go to work for you in bull and bear market environments.

More about the book and purchase options. Scroll down and read the Szelhamos Rules blog, updated every weekday.

Find  OTP Book at Amazon, B&N or now you can also Order direct  from publisher. See a sneak preview of Chapter 1. hoco blogs

Want to instantly download PDF file with full color charts and tables?

 

 

  

Invest like TheAcsMan

Option to Profit is available as either an eBook or 300+ paperback. Take a humorous look at a serious topic and learn how to make your portfolio finally go to work for you in bull and bear market environments.

See a sneak preview of Chapter 1.  hoco blogs

More about the book and purchase options. Scroll down and read the Szelhamos Rules blog, updated every weekday.

Find  OTP Book at Amazon, B&N or now you can also Order direct  from publisher. Use 10% Discount Code P4S2ZD8H